It’s very common to see a friend and think, my goodness, I haven’t seen you in so long, how you’ve changed. It’s harder when it’s your own flesh and blood and they are in their teens and they arrive home from boarding school.
When we say farewell to our children at the beginning of term, we may think about many things – how will they cope? How will they go in exams? Will they miss me as much as I miss them? I wonder what they will look like when I see them again?
In the big scheme of things, ten weeks is not very long, but when it’s the time frame for not seeing your child it can feel like an eternity.
Sure, phone calls, text messages, emails and perhaps even a weekend visit can break up the monotony, but it’s often when our kids come home for the holidays that we really notice the difference in them. And in the teenage years, those differences can be huge.
I always found it was similar to a romance. You dream about your kids coming home and it’s likely they’re feeling the same sort of excitement, but the reality can be different. It takes time for teenagers to open up and share (especially boys). I would try to find ways to ask subtle questions about their new life at boarding school, but it’s hard not to be a little over zealous when your darling child is back in the nest. I always found that making time to do nothing helped, simply sitting around or going for a walk on the farm is a great way to re-connect.
Positive psychology researcher, author, and speaker, Dr Justin Coulson is our guest speaker at the Boarding Schools Expo in Dubbo and Newcastle this year. He says there are a few things to remember when coping with the changes you may notice in the upcoming Easter break:
- Whilst changes are definitely taking place, remember they also become more noticeable because we’re only seeing our teens occasionally. It’s ok to enjoy those changes because if we saw them every day those same differences may go underappreciated.
- It’s important to allow your child to re-acclimatise to the new environment. In the first few hours, we may just want to hold our kids and talk to them, but try to leave some space so that when the conversations start to flow they come naturally (think about when you’ve returned from a long overseas trip, you might be very happy to be home but it really takes a few days to settle back in).
- Remember the acronym – HALTS
H – Hungry / A – Angry / L – Lonely / T – Tired / S – Stressed
If your child has just returned home from boarding school, there’s a good chance they might be all of these things and it’s no good trying to have meaningful connections when we’re hungry or stressed etc. The rule is – if they’re any one of these things it’s time to HALT.
Instead, pick your time – often around dinner or just before bed are the best moment for a more meaningful catch up.
- Sharing is a mutual experience. If you want your children to start opening up to you, you have to reciprocate. Tell them what’s been happening at home or on the farm, mention the funny thing the dog did. If we start to tell them what’s been happening they might do the same.
- Don’t forget, that when your child says ‘nothing’s happened at school’, it might be that to them, nothing has happened. For them, boarding school becomes the daily practice so it’s not different or unusual. Again, as we start to share about our days, it might trigger stories for them to share back.
Coping with change can be confronting and challenging, it can also be something that can be enjoyed as our children turn into young adults, after all, that’s the whole aim of the game.
By Alex Proimos from Sydney, Australia (Teenagers at PlayUploaded by russavia) [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons
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