The emotions that come with being a boarder – and equally, a boarding family – are a bit like learning how to dance the tango….. lots of dips and turns. As a boarder living away from home, you’re thrown in the deep end of learning how to understand, voice and overcome challenging emotions. You’re likely to feel everything from home sickness to euphoria all in the first five minutes of saying goodbye to your family on the first day of term. So how can parents best support their kids who are away at boarding school?
Here are our top tips.
- Be present. Whether you speak to your boarder four times a day or every 6 weeks, when the phone rings (or they finally answer), be present. The washing doesn’t need to be folded right this second, your inbox can be attended to in 10 minutes and the newsfeed certainly isn’t going anywhere. So while you have them on the phone, focus your mind, energy and attention on them. They know when you’re distracted and by being present on that call, you’re also teaching them to do the same.
- Listen as much as you speak. It’s human instinct to jump to offering up a list of solutions when someone comes to you with a struggle, issue or concern. Though sometimes a listening ear is in fact the most valuable thing you can give someone. Practice listening to understand, not to respond. This will not only mean that you are cultivating a space for them to share their thoughts but also giving them the confidence to be able to find the solution.
- If you’re not sure, ask. I wonder how often parents hear the phrase ‘’but you just don’t understand’’ – I’m quite sure it’s the beginning or ending of many disagreements between boarders and their parents. If you’re posed with this statement, I encourage you not to join in on the defensive battle but to say something along the lines of -‘’are you able to explain this in more detail so that I can understand your experience better’’. This puts the responsibility back on them and also teaches them not to make sweeping statements without being able to back them up with reason. Goodluck.
- Tell them you love them. Usually self-explanatory but not always stated. We all need to hear nice things more often and we mustn’t wait a single moment assuming that someone knows how we feel about them. The world isn’t always kind but we can be, so voice how you feel and voice it often. Whether it be ‘I’m proud of you’, ‘you did a great job’, ‘I’m grateful to have you’ or ‘I love you’, young people (and all people) need to hear these things more than you think.
- Lean into vulnerability. The more we lead by example in sharing our feelings and experiences, the more likely those around us will be to follow suit. Had a flat day? Tell them. Things a little stressful on the farm? Be honest. Feeling on top of the world? Let them know. Let’s normalise the highs and lows of the human experience.