Have you been at the receiving end of an emotional ‘distance dump’?
There’s an interview piece on The New Yorker that went viral recently, “The Parent of a Teen-ager is an emotional garbage collector” by Jessica Winter where she interviews clinical psychologist Lisa Damour.
Damour’s latest book “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers” was released in February and only one week following the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s report on the mental health of adolescents which reported some really startling findings in the US.
I couldn’t ignore the challenges Damour’s responses in this interview raised from the point of view of a boarding school parent, along with the fact that it directly links to one of our topics for 2023’s Boarding Schools Summit. I found myself wanting to discuss it for those of us that parent from afar and rely on our boarding school staff to be the co-garbage collectors… So to speak.
“By and large, our teen-agers are incredibly well behaved for the duration of the school day. They spend all day, nearly every day, with a whole bunch of peers and adults whom they did not choose, shuttling from room to room, doing things that they may or may not have chosen for themselves, and actually being quite gracious, patient, and polite through the whole thing. Usually, the way they make that bargain work is, in the course of the day, they catalogue all of the injustices and indignities to which they feel they’ve been subjected, and save them up to tell us all about them.”
Lisa Damour
I remember when my son began boarding school he was so incredibly homesick we both really struggled in the early days (months… bordering on years if I’m honest) and one thing the boarding staff were always reminding me was that his emotional ‘distance dump’ on me during that phone call home was essentially highlighting the very worst moments of his day. He wasn’t sharing the great stuff. Not initially, I was the garbage collector and the staff knew it.
I didn’t yet understand the complexities of nurturing resilience in my son from afar and supporting the role of boarding schools within the framework of ensuring his emotional wellbeing. Of learning what to throw out, the leaky stinky garbage and what to recycle for sharing with my ‘co-garbage collectors’.
Parenting from afar presents unique challenges, but it also offers opportunities for teenagers to learn self-reliance and independence. For their part our boarding schools should facilitate communication channels between parents and their children, fostering a safe space for teenagers to share their emotional burdens, successes, and concerns. It’s just so important for our boarders to establish a relationship within the boarding house with a staff member or a gapie’ where they feel comfortable enough to ‘dump’ the rigours of their day.
Many schools have well-being centres these days and Damour certainly has an opinion about the commercialisation of the wellness space. The schools that I speak to across NSW, Victoria and Queensland that have ‘wellness centres’ are really just wanting to ensure that their students have support and counsel when it is needed.
“The adolescent mental-health crisis doesn’t end when all teen-agers feel good. It ends when teen-agers have the support they deserve and are able to cope effectively with the distress that they will invariably face.”
Our teenagers experience a wide range of emotions, including stress, anxiety, peer pressure, and the need to fit in. With parents often geographically distant in boarding school scenarios, teenagers may struggle to find an outlet for their ‘emotional garbage’. It becomes essential for boarding school staff to step in and fill this void by providing a supportive environment that encourages honest open communication between staff and student.
For boarding staff it may well be the case that they’ve dealt with the same issue thousands of times during the course of their career, but for the parent it’s the first time, or only the fifth …. Whatever the case may be as we’ve always got our ‘L’ plates on. The truly great boarding staff respect that and work on cultivating meaningful connections with their students, ultimately creating a sense of belonging and trust.
The result ? Our teens who we are parenting from afar, feel comfortable enough to offload their ‘emotional garbage’ after a day at school just as a day student would going home to Mum and Dad or big brother/sister. And we know, that over the course of their time at boarding school they’ll become more and more attune with knowing when to seek guidance and from whom within their cohort of boarding staff.
Staff play a pivotal role in shaping our teenager’s emotional resilience – they’re not only educators, they’re also mentors, counsellors and empathetic listeners.
What we do know is that a boarding school provides structure, and a great boarding school provides warmth. Two elements that Damour espouses to being the key to effective parenting. We don’t always get it right, and that’s particularly challenging from a distance but if we throw in good measures of structure and warmth then we’ve got to be closer to getting off our ‘L’s and onto our ‘P’s in the parenting stakes.
Who are the emotional garbage collectors in your child’s boarding house ? Make sure you thank them and return the warmth they’re so beautifully sharing with your teenager.
References
The Parent of a Teen-Ager Is an Emotional-Garbage Collector, The New Yorker,
The Question Everyone Is Asking About Barbie, Mama Mia Out Loud Podcast,
The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, Lisa Damour (if you’re time poor but love a good audio book in the car then have a listen)